I Pretend

‘Fake it till you make it’ real, think it till you feel it, make believe till you believe in yourself is what I Pretend is all about. A life strategy I apparently picked up along the way to adulting.

At work, sitting in a board meeting with top executives, I was scared of asking a stupid question, fearful to even speak up.

While at a social gathering, ‘fitting in’ meant not being myself.
Myself, for so many years, unmedicated and unconfident, had come to realize that only by pretending, and acting ‘as if’ would I find my way to me. Once medicated of course.

Facing those anxious hard to do things. Asking those questions that you realize once asked, others had the same question. Choosing to act the opposite of how you feel, is a strategy for developing the confidence that will eventually become the real you. Not to say you’ll never again be fearful, anxious, or lack self-confidence. But it won’t rule your life like it did mine for so long.

When I was just beginning to perform outside of my living room walls, I was scared to death of making a mistake, missing a chord, forgetting the words to the song. What would the audience think of me then? What would I think of me??!!

I was invited to play at a little music venue for acoustic singer songwriters. I took a seat on the small stage, with my guitar, and faced the small but attentive crowd in front of me. My hands had a slight tremble that I was hoping no one would see. I used my humor to break the ice before the ice broke me. I started to play a ballad I had written, softly sung, and meticulously played on my guitar. There sat a young woman with her 4-year-old son in the front row. He had a toy truck that when he turned the wheels of the truck it would make a loud clicking noise.

The distraction was just enough to throw me off my song.
I returned to my living room, performing only to the walls that listened unconditionally.

I remember one day, while I was sitting on my little red sofa from Ikea, playing my guitar, and singing to the living room. ‘I’ll never grow confident playing to myself’. I not only went back out I went back to the scene of the crime! I played at this little music venue again, where I was taken down by a 4-year-old with a toy truck.

This time, I was ready. I had a bigger truck metaphorically speaking. I had made the choice to pretend. To act like a performing songwriter, act like I wasn’t scared, act like I knew what I was doing. After the show, I received positive feedback and compliments from people that liked my songs. That was a lesson for me that would change my life going forward.

Show up. Pretend. Become.

I started to perform more often and the more positive feedback I received the more confidence I had in myself. That pulled me out of myself more than my fear pushing me back into myself.
I’ve performed at festivals and venues, and played the famous Nashville TN Bluebird Café for almost 25 years. I still have that little red sofa.